I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
