yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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