if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
