Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
