maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
