She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
