New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
