i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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