Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
