It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize