I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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