My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
