Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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