Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
