So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
