Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
