Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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