It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
