ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
