he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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