I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
