i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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