My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
