I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
