So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
