PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
