Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
