forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Jerry, you need to find god
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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