Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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