or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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