shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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