I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
