how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
