Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
