Walk of Shame. In a state park.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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