I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
