DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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