Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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