At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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