he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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