Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
