theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
