as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
