I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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