A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
