Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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