Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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