why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
