i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
