then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
