There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Shame is for Republicans.
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