Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
