it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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