i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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