My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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