I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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