im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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