I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
