Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
