The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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