just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
