So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
