she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
