there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
my liver is dry heaving
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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