dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize