The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
