So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
