what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
