The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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